Song of Solomon 5:16 says, “This is my lover and this is my friend.”
Over the years we’ve heard the story of so many people who can tell us how they met and how they fell in love, but very few can explain any process of becoming friends. Friendship is overlooked and undervalued in our sexualized culture.
Treasure is typically hidden. That which is more meaningful tends to be less obvious. We live in a culture that rushes past friendship pursuing the thrill of romance. This is why we issue the “THREE MONTH CHALLENGE” to anybody exploring a possible relationship.
Take three months to do nothing more than build a friendship. Over these three months commit to do nothing beyond a friendship. Don’t kiss, don’t hold hands, don’t talk about marriage or romantic possibilities. As countercultural as this may sound it is a vital part of building a foundation for decades of a happier, healthier marriage life.
You should never build a building without first establishing a reliable foundation.
Friendship is the true foundation for great marriage.
The social psychologist and relationship expert John Gottman was famously able to predict with up to 94% accuracy whether couples would divorce just by observing a brief snippet of conversation. The biggest warning signs were indications of contempt, such as sarcasm, sneering and hostile humor.
“Well, that’s just how I grew up.” This is the essence of premarital counseling at Destiny. We all have a history. We all have a destiny. The parts of your past that contribute to a better future are the things you want to embrace. Anything from your past that could destroy your future should be seen as an enemy to your destiny.
We require 4 books as part of preparation for marriage to address cultural conclusions you hold in the area of Lordship, Communication, Finance and sex.
Marriage brings two cultures into one household to produce a new cultural expression resulting from both cultural experiences growing up.
Successful marriage is the survival of the collision of two cultural perspectives.
So let’s take a look at the 4 books.
1. Francis Chan – You And Me Forever: Marriage in light of eternity. I found used on Amazon for $1.59
2. Dr. Gary Chapman’s FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES I found used on Amazon for $3.59.
3. Money Before Marriage – I found used on Amazon for $1.95
a. In addition if you click the Resource tab on destinyokc.com you can click “Financially Empowered” for three practical financial workshop sessions for free.
4. Intended for pleasure – I found used on Amazon for $6.50.
Honestly the Five Love Languages is one book that may very well have saved our marriage. Communication is a central key to every area we want to discuss today.
According to Chapman, the five ways to express and experience love called "love languages" are:
words of affirmation,
quality time,
receiving gifts,
acts of service,
physical touch.
In Gary Smalley’s book, The DNA of Relationships, Smalley wrote that the external problem couples tend to argue about over and over again is rarely the real problem. Believe it or not, many couples argue about superficial issues, never actually getting to the real problem for the duration of their marriage.
Smalley contends that this is a destructive dance many couples are involved in and it stems from fear.
Without identifying your own core fear and understanding how you tend to react when your fear button gets pushed, your relationships will suffer.
The tardy husband had no way of knowing that at the core of his wife’s anger was the reality that her father used to come in late from work because he was seeing another woman. While she and her husband argued about his tardiness, the real issue – her fear that he might be cheating on her – did not surface until much later.
Smalley’s book encourages people to do a self-examination to determine their core fear. Maybe it is rejection, feeling like a failure, being unloved or being humiliated, manipulated or isolated.
Couples who are dancing the fear dance know the steps well. The cycle begins when your feelings get hurt or you experience gut emotional pain. You want to stop feeling this emotional pain and you want the other person to stop treating you in such a way that “causes” you to feel this pain. You fear they won’t change, so you react and try to motivate them to change. In doing so, you start the same process in the other person.
“The fear dance can start with discussions of sex, money, in-laws, disciplining children, being late, etc.,” Smalley wrote. “People fall into patterns of reacting when their buttons are pushed. Most people use unhealthy reactions to deal with fear. Most of us try different ways to change the other person’s words and actions so that we will feel better. As a result, our relationships are sabotaged. It’s how you choose to react when your fear button is pushed that determines harmony.”
So, how do you break the rhythm of the fear dance? According to Smalley, these steps can help:
Take control of your thoughts, feelings and actions. Your thoughts determine your feelings and actions.
Take responsibility for your buttons. You choose how you react when someone pushes your fear button.
Don’t give others the power to control your feelings. Personal responsibility means refusing to focus on what the other person has done. The only person you can change is yourself. You can stop the fear dance.
Don’t look to others to make you happy. Don’t fall into the “If you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours” myth. Come to relationships with realistic expectations.
Become the CEO of your life. You can’t force people to meet your needs, but when you express legitimate needs to others, they can choose to step in to assist you.
Remember that forgiveness heals relationships. Taking personal responsibility means confessing your wrongdoing and asking for forgiveness. You also forgive others.
Your point of origin determines your frame of reference. Lexi’s driving test. We have all suffered various forms of trauma in our past. Understanding what is taking place deep beneath the obvious brings an entirely different perspective to the conversation. Lexi didn’t need me to minimize her feelings. She needed support and understanding as she worked through something much deeper than a driving test that day.
The five love languages understanding the other persons love language so that you’re speaking the right language rather than saying what I want to say and what makes me feel good about her learning to say what she wanted me to say and what makes her feel good about us was huge.
One of the greatest threats to our relationship over the years would be trusted friends and trusted voices that would grow critical of Tracy – primarily as a result of my framing our marriage in a way that blamed her for our problems. Never form allies against your spouse in conversations with your friends! Do not give anybody a place in your life if you perceive them to be critical of more vital relationships. In your body you have organs, and you have vital organs. In your life you have relationships, and you have vital relationships.
Do whatever it takes to fight your way through the challenging seasons. Realize who the true enemy is
Ephesians 6:12 For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens. HCSB
MONEY:
The #1 conflict in marriage is money and it is the most common reason for divorce.
We tend to be a spender or a saver. So much is available on this topic on our website we’ll just point you to this link for more information https://destinyokc.com/financiallyempowered
SEX:
Intended for Pleasure is a book that is written and illustrated in very appropriate and specific. The lack of conversation about this topic in the church world has led to great confusion and opened the doorway to deception.
Sex is God’s idea and he purposed this meaningful and beautiful expression to be experienced within the confines of marriage between one man and one woman: Everything else is sexual sin = fornication, adultery, homosexuality and polygamy all violate Scripture.
A fireplace is beautiful as long as the fire remains within those boundaries. Taking one of the logs out of the fireplace and enjoying it in another room in the house will bring devastation.
A modern day translation of Song of Solomon will show you God is no prude and certainly he is not silent on this subject.
Ten-year-old boys in Jewish synagogues are taught that husbands should prefer their wives by pleasuring their wives first sexually before themselves.
The Greek word, “Kollao” is used in Scripture when you read about a man uniting with a prostitute.
But when the Bible speaks of a husband uniting with his wife it uses the word, “Proskollao”. Same word but with an added prefix that simply means higher. This is a higher expression of intimacy than the world can understand. It is a gift from God to marriage that results from a healthy, intimate friendship that is surrendered the heart of Jesus.
The act of sex is secondary to the reality of intimacy. Don’t strive to have a great sex life. Pursue a meaningful friendship and a healthy sex life results.
Lust is the world’s counterfeit to deeper more meaningful love God intends for us to know together in this sacred place of marriage.
Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her NIV
Sensitively and sacrificially meets wife’s needs helping her deal with spiritual, emotional, physical, financial and family issues.
Sin kills and sexual sin kills. Porn is the ultimate pandemic in today’s society and it is robbing so many people of so much.
This is an issue for both men and women.
As a man I’ll speak to how this impacts us as men – porn objectifies women making them a de-emotionalized object. This normalizes that which is not true resulting in unrealistic pursuits and expectations that never find true fulfillment.
Jimmy Evans:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EzPrqWF0wak&feature=youtu.be
“A woman’s sexuality is purposefully connected by God to her emotional makeup. Sexuality for a woman is not compartmentalized. Everything going on in a woman’s life is connected to her sexuality. If the washer is broken, the tree outside the window is dying, and her mother’s finger is broken all these things affect her sexuality. Men listen to what has captured your wife’s attention. Fix the washer, call someone about the tree and pray for her mom’s finger and good things will happen. It’s all connected.
It is a demonic lie that any of those de-emotionalized hyper-sexualized women exist in this world. They don’t and this idea is destructive.
LORDSHIP: You And Me Forever – Marriage in light of eternity by Francis & Lisa Chan
I put a great deal of pressure on Tracy early in our marriage to have a great marriage. I didn’t realize I was actually idolizing the perfect marriage in the process. I wanted the kind of marriage that I could point to in ministry as the ultimate marriage and it was all born from pride.
Two words that solve 90%+ of all marital problems. “Grow Up!” The more spiritually mature we become the less self-absorbed we are.
I spent a lot of time trying to help Tracy be the woman I needed. Finally, I realized the only one of us I could control was me. I began working on being the husband she needed asking God to transform me into the loving, serving, giving husband He wanted her to have.
There is nothing more painful than two selfish people in a relationship. There is nothing more beautiful than two servants in love.
No marriage can ever be all God wants it to be until you surrender to Jesus as your way of life.
Our passionate burden is to see people experience the flourishing lives God desires for us all to know through Christ. You have no idea what you are fighting for in a moment of frustration.
The enemy wants to rob you of a future and a legacy but Jesus modeled the sacrificial example that makes it all work when we die to ourselves and surrender to him.
We Bring GP2RL Action Point:
Demonstrate how much you value treasured relationships in your life this week. Be uniquely specific with your appreciation.
OPEN THE GATES: FRIENDSHIP & MARRIAGE
DISCUSSION GUIDE
Click here for a downloadable pdf file of this guide.
Psalm 24:7-9 So wake up, you living gateways! Lift up your heads, you ageless doors of destiny! Welcome the King of Glory, for he is about to come through you. You ask, “Who is this Glory-King?” The Lord, armed and ready for battle, the Mighty One, invincible in every way! So wake up, you living gateways, and rejoice! Fling wide, you ageless doors of destiny! Here he comes; the King of Glory is ready to come in. (TPT)
We are the gates through which the King of glory enters into our world. During this season we are learning how we don’t wait for a move of God. We are the move of God to the world around us.
We bring God’s presence to real life in every realm of society and on every level of community.
We are moving from merely having a Christian label to pursuing a Christian life. As we move toward a more basic understanding of the message, mission, and ministry of Jesus we come to a clearer understanding that we were born to be a gateway for the King. This starts first in our own home!
God’s plan is for us to hear his voice together as a family. This is why we start each group with this first and
primary question for discussion.
DISCUSSION QUESTION:
1. Where are you reading in your Bible and what are you sensing from God?
Everybody has history and everybody has destiny. Your history and your destiny are actually more connected than you probably realize. This is why it is important to rehearse the good and neglect the bad.
Psalm 77:11-12 I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds. NIV
DISCUSSION QUESTION:
2. Share a memory from your childhood that reflects an experience that has had a positive influence in your life as an adult.
Dr. Gary Chapman describes “Love Languages” as the five ways people commonly express and experience love.
i. Words of affirmation
ii. Quality time
iii. Receiving gifts
iv. Acts of service
v. Physical touch
Friendship, marriage, children and plants all reflect the care they’re given.
DISCUSSION QUESTION:
3. Even if you haven’t read the book you can have some idea of which of these would be your love language. What would you say is your love language?
Romans 12:9-10 Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. 10 Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. ESV
In Gary Smalley’s book, The DNA of Relationships, Smalley describes how an external problem couples tend to argue about over and over again is rarely the real problem. Deeper issues stem from fear. The husband who tends to work late may not realize his wife’s anger actually stems from her memory of her father coming home late from work because he was seeing another woman.
Without identifying your own core fear and understanding how you tend to react when your fear button gets pushed, your relationships will suffer. Smalley’s book encourages people to do a self-examination to determine their core fear. Maybe it is rejection, feeling like a failure, being unloved or being humiliated, manipulated or isolated. It would be wise to take some time this week to pray asking God to show you areas where something deeper is taking place in your heart.
God’s plan is to bless us on purpose so we learn to become a blessing to others as a result of God’s blessing in our lives.
Genesis 12:2 I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. NIV
DISCUSSION QUESTION:
4. What are some ways this week you can sacrificially purpose to be a blessing to someone you care about? Be specific explaining when you will do what for whom.
We Bring GP2RL Action Point:
Demonstrate how much you value treasured relationships in your life this week. Be uniquely specific with your appreciation.